It’s Going to be a Rough Last Week

Today was the 2nd last weigh-in and I didn’t do too well.  I thought for sure I’d be down a pound or two.  I FELT like I was but I didn’t think I should have been based on my food intake last week.  I mean, I didn’t eat anything that was extremely bad, but I didn’t get in all my fruit and vegetables either.  I was up .2 lbs.  When I asked her to do my math for me she told me on average I lost just over a pound a week.  Even with my gains and little weight losses, I still managed to loose a pound per week.  I was actually pleased with that.  I was hoping to loose 1-2 lbs per week because I know when I lost it like that on Weight Watchers’ many moons ago, I kept it off for over a year.

Well, when I got home I was a little bummed.  I sat at the table and did some work and then decided to pull out my food journal.  I think for these last 10 days I really need to write it all down again.  I was doing pretty good with the writing down.  When I checked back to the week where I lost 4.6 lbs I would start each day with my breakfast being written down but I didn’t keep track the rest of the day.  I think just by looking at the amount of food I was required to eat still kept me somewhat on track.

So, for tomorrow, I wrote down what I’m going to have for breakfast, snacks, and my lunch.  My day is going to be one of those on-the-go kind of days where I won’t be in school for the full day.  I have to leave at lunchtime so I’m going to miss my lunch (or eat it in the car) and my 1:15 snack.  I have an eye doctor appointment and my physio appointment.  I am determined to stay on track this week though – so I packed my lunch and I’m bringing it with me.  Tomorrow is a pay day of sorts so I’m going to also stop at a grocery store and stock up on some fruit.  I think I have enough vegetables to last me the week, but I’m running low on fruit.  I’m also low on milk products – yogurts, milk, etc so I’ll get some of that too.  After looking at my journal I’m starting to think maybe I had too many meat products this past week.

Easter is approaching –  just before our last weigh-in – that’s going to be a HUGE struggle for me!  I really hope no one gets me any chocolate.  Plus, it’s my birthday on Saturday and I really don’t want a cake either.  It’s going to be a rough one for sure.

Weigh-In #3 – not expecting miracles this time!

It’s Sunday night – the end of yet another week.  It was an emotional week with barely any exercise in at all.  It was SO cold out and I wasn’t feeling the whole basement exercise regime either.  I wish I had room upstairs for my equipment – or at least have a nicer basement.  After my whole McDonald’s fiasco, I bounced back into the healthy me.

My nephew’s birthday party was yesterday and my sister ended up getting me a veggie pizza after all!  I was SO happy about this – she forgot the diet pop so I drank water.  The veggie pizza didn’t go as well as I had planned it to – I shouldn’t have gone there so hungry … I had 3 pieces of a medium pizza and threw out the crusts of two.  I’m grateful that she got me the pizza though because if she didn’t, I would have made a pig of myself with the donair one!  For those who don’t know what a donair pizza is, let me show you.  It’s the best EVER!  Me, I didn’t have one piece of it!  I walked by it a few times and really wanted a piece, but I held true to my intentions and walked by it 3 times to get a piece of veggie pizza.  I also only had one handful of potato chips and I had 3 cheesies.  I’m not sure who I had become, but I freakin loved it!  I left there feeling terrific!  I was proud of myself – a little guilty because of the 3 slices, but it could have gone so much worse.

I headed to the grocery store today to pick up a few things – all healthy, of course.  I have my day planned out tomorrow – and it’s weigh-in time.  I’m not expecting much at the scale tomorrow, but I’d be happy with at least a pound.  I weighed myself on my scale earlier this evening and I was down a bit.  I’m even ‘feeling’ healthy.  For the first time in a LONG time, I’m actually looking forward to summer.  I think I’m getting myself under control where I’m now in control of my food instead of the other way around.  I’m trying to follow Canada’s Food Guide more closely – my stomach growled a little while ago – it was 9:30pm – and I wanted a snack … I grabbed the hummus I bought today and had 3 Kashi crackers – this was my first taste at hummus and it wasn’t too bad.  I think when I’m looking for something to snack on, I can use my hummus and veggies – I cut up the last of my wilted celery and tried to revise it using a container of water so I’ll check on it tomorrow.  I made raspberry smoothies earlier today for the girls and I – they were SO good!  I might have one for breakfast – my blender is missing a piece so I had to use my handheld which wasn’t as loud, so now I can use it in the morning.

I’m hoping for a good week ahead because the weather is suppose to be nicer and my kitchen is full of good eats.  I left pork chops and raw veggies out (for roasting) for supper tomorrow – I’ll throw that all in the oven when I get home from school.  I laid out my clothes for tomorrow and I put out pants I haven’t worn in awhile and a sweater I only wore once because I didn’t like how it felt on me … I’m hoping it’ll fit me … fingers crossed …

My Momentary Lapse In Judgement

I just didn’t have the energy to write last night – did you ever feel just so tired all you wanted to do was go to bed?  I wasn’t even physically tired, I was emotionally drained.  It was a very “messy” night Thursday and it poured over into yesterday.  As you know, I’m an emotional eater so you know where this is going to go …

My daughter, Ashley, is like a mini-me X 10 – with a lot more guts.  She’s 16 years old and still trying to find her place in life.  She’s the victim of years of bullying and it has affected her dearly.  She was just on her way to the other side of pain when it struck again.  She loves her individuality, her uniqueness, that which makes her different -and so do I!  She doesn’t want to be your ‘cookie cutter’ teenager.  She took it upon herself to get her septum pierced a week ago – without my permission, mind you – but she did it nonetheless and shocked me with it while I was driving!  After looking at it over the next day or two, it suits her.  I’m now okay with it.  I warned her that it’s not for everyone and some of the kids at school might say some negative things to her about it – they didn’t, they loved it!  Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I’d have to warn her about other parents saying negative things about it!  Yup, it’s true.  One of her friends’ mother asked her, “why are you trying to look weird” – omg, really??  I mean, it’s okay not to like it – I get that and so does she – but to insult a teenagers looks … that is a HUGE no no!  So as she’s telling me this, I’m dying inside – she’s crying on the bed asking me if everyone thinks she’s so ugly.  My daughter is beautiful … absolutely beautiful.  And I’m not just saying that because I’m her mother – I know a lot of people who say she is … and she is …

So, I went to school the next day after not getting much sleep. I was SO upset I just wanted to go up and beat that woman’s face off!  While telling my close friend about it at school, I burst into tears.  I held all that in in front of Ashley, but I let myself go and I couldn’t help it.  Ten minutes later, I had to go write a test … wonder how I did on THAT test??  (note the sarcasm).  After a few texts back and forth with Ashley, she was excited to go on a school trip to a singing thing and was feeling much better.  We were let out of school early so I headed straight for Planet Beach Spa for my nutritional consultation with Natasha and a session in their Slim Capsule.  We talked about the Canada’s Food Guide and how I should be following that better.  It appears I was eating more grain than fruit/veggies and too much in the meat food group too.  Who knew??  So we’ve narrowed down my uneven equation – finally.

Then it was time for the Slim Capsule.  I read some stuff online about this machine so I was looking forward to it.  OMG – I lay there and burned off 240 calories … no lie .. all in 30 minutes.  Now, that was MY kind of exercise!  I wish I could afford to go there every week and just lay there … it felt great and, after the last 24 hours I had, it was so relaxing.

I wanted to take Ashley shopping for boots when I got home (a little retail therapy) so I dragged her out of bed and off we went.  She got bad pains in her tummy and I ended up having to take her home.  I ended up going myself.  I had Walmart stuff to get.  Unfortunately, I didn’t have my 1:15 snack because we left school early, I didn’t have my supper either and it was going on 4pm.  We ALL know what restaurant is inside Walmart?!  I knew I wanted a burger …  I knew I shouldn’t have it … and I knew I should have just paid for my things and left.  I battled with this the whole walk over to McDonald’s.  In all honesty, I was just too tired to fight anymore …

I was hoping it’d make me sick so I wouldn’t do it again … but my little bacon/cheeseburger, small fries and diet coke felt incredibly awesome!  I won’t lie.  It had been 4 hours since my last meal and I was famished.  I ate slowly, and I enjoyed every calorie, every bite … it was the thoughts I was having trouble with.  I was watching all these obese women walk by and I knew what their challenges were.  I knew I didn’t want to get as far as they did in their path of self destruction.  The feelings of guilt became very overwhelming.

I arrived home and I wanted to continue eating.  I figured I screwed up now I might as well keep going … then it dawned on me, my ex husband said that to me once (or twice or a few times .. lol) .. he had two beer, he might as well keep going because I was going to be mad anyway, and would end up coming home drunk.  I always told him that continuing to drink just made things worse … I had become the victim of my own words!  lol  I grabbed a bag of popcorn from the cupboard, ate a few handfuls realizing, “wow, are they EVER salty!” and I put them away … I never ate anything else for the rest of the night.  I was no longer hungry and no longer feeding any emotions.  I spent some time talking with Ashley and my emotional roller coaster was coming in for a stop.  For yesterday, anyway.

Today is a new day – my nephew is having a birthday party and there is going to be pizza, chips and pop there – two of my triggers (pizza and chips) … not even diet pop because I asked my sister if she’s bringing diet and she said no.  I asked her to order vegetarian pizza and she said no to that too.  Okay, so I’ll eat before I leave or bring some healthy snacks with me.  She’s also doing the Challenge and fell off the wagon, sort of speak, when she produced a low number on the scale last week – she inhaled a whopper to ease her emotions and she told me she’s going to be ‘bad’ today too.  I know that feeling ALL TOO WELL – but to do that two days in one week for me, would just be a recipe for disaster.  She might be able to jump back on the wagon and start fresh “tomorrow” … but I wouldn’t.   That’s what happened last time .. I fell off the wagon and it drove off without me … but not this time.